monotone;

jetsetter

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 21:46:02 GMT

isk has made me realised, that i've forgotten to mention i've a TRAVEL BLOG!!! it's easier for me to upload photos there.
please do leave me some love at the blog :)

rose.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 18:58:06 GMT

i've grown thorns, so you should stay away or you'll just keep getting hurt.

i hate to watch you walk away

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 18:42:12 GMT

goodbye is difficult, but goodbye, is now the only easy thing left to say.

thump thump, we'll keep moving on.

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 11:39:22 GMT

if i could walk backwards, fit my feet into old dusty footprints, and be in yesterdays, i would. i won't look back, i'd just carefully walk in your direction. but the prints are smudged, and it must be that my feet have some how grown too big to fall perfectly in old footsteps.

it's too difficult, and it's getting too cold.

fighter spirit.

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 15:29:49 GMT

lately between us, sits this heavy impregnable silence. both of us are barely standing, worn out from all our wars, neither wanting to be the first to give in. you, wounded heart, and i, trashed soul. is it time for one of us to turn our back on the other, and walk away, and say, it's for better days?

the dogs of babel by carolyn parkhurt

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 12:24:09 GMT

Suicide is just a moment, Lexy told me. This is how she described it to me. For just a moment, it doesn't matter that you've got people who love you and the sun is shining and there's a movie coming out this weekend that you've been dying to see. It hits you all of a sudden that nothing is ever going to be okay, ever, and you kind of dare yourself: Is this it? You start thinking that you've known this was coming all along, but you don't know if today's going to be the day. And if you think about it too much, it's probably not. But you dare yourself. You pick up a knife and press it gently to your skin, you look out a nineteenth-story window and you think, I could just do it. I could just do it. And most of the time, you look at the height and you get scared, or you think about the poor people on the sidewalk below - what if there are kids coming home from school and they have to spend the rest of their lives trying to forget this terrible thing you're going to make them see? And the moment's over. You think about how sad it would've been if you never got to see that movie, and you look at your dog and wonder who would've taken care of her if you had gone. And you go back to normal. But you keep it there in your mind. Even if you never take yourself up on it, it gives you a kind of comfort to know that the day is yours to choose. You tuck it away in your brain like sour candy tucked in your cheek, and the puckering memory it leaves behind, the rough pleasure of running your tongue over its strange terrain, is exactly the same.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:35:45 GMT

i went to the post office to get some stuffs registered for MMTP. and saying that, i just realised i've never spoken about my shop in this space, so for those of you who don't already know, i've an online store selling clothes. WY helps me out with it, take photos during shoots, and we take turns doing up the post and working on emails. it's been what, 2 years? sadly, we'll be taking a break cos' i'm going for exchange, and he's starting uni soon. i don't know if it'd still be feasible to continue with the shop when i'm back from germany. i seriously hope so, cos' despite the stress and workload, i really enjoy working for my pocket money this way. plus we've only just started manufacturing our own line, i don't wanna give it all up just like that.

so.

i went to the post office earlier to get some stuffs registered for MMTP as well as send out the Momopause travelling journal to jien in london. note to both: please don't stop and take as long as i do when i'm in germany (hahahaaaa). then Kim called on my way out of the post office, and i had no idea where to go so i just walked without anywhere in mind while we were talking. i found myself at the bubble tea shop when we hung up, so i got myself honey red tea with pearl before heading to the library next door. i've actually enough books on hand to keep me occupied for another week or so, but i borrowed books anyway. two travel books on Greece and Istanbul, so i can read up and bring them on Thursday when i meet Jo and Cindy to discuss our travel plans (EGGCITING!). and i couldn't resist going to fiction section despite the amount of unread books i have already. been meaning to read Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk but they didn't have it, so i borrowed Choke instead. thank goodness today's the last day for the extended book loan. i'll still have 3 weeks to finish it. should be alright, considering i'm bumming around this holidays instead of doing anything productive at all. books have a comforting effect on me. i like having them at home and always one in my bag. perhaps that's why i subconsciously ended up in the library today.

to make up for not exercising and my overspending, i've been walking home a lot from the interchange instead of taking a bus. the weather was perfect for a stroll today. so i walked again, with bubble tea in one hand and books in the other, grey's soundtrack playing through my headphones.

It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
I've been counting on nothing
But he keeps giving me his word
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you get weary?
Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream
When you can't fall asleep?

I'd like to know if you'd be open
To starting over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance

Scratch; Kendall Payne [Grey's Season 2]

these walks help me clear my head, like it did today. i felt safe with my favourite things tso do and hold close, while the music's turned up so that i couldn't hear the world. deaf to the evening traffic, the monotonous buzz of people pushing up the bus or walking briskly all in a bid to be home in the shortest possible time, i was in my own world. thoughts of random things came to my mind; like The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. in my exact thought: favourite book. i need to read it again. and then i had this crazy idea of bringing my book to Europe, leaving it on some park bench with a post-it note inside that goes like this: Hello stranger, this is my favourite book and i just wanted to share it with you because it must be some kind of affinity that you're even reading this now. i wondered about having a physical shop carrying my line of clothes and i remembered our momopause plan of selling handmade notebooks. i replayed the fight my mom and i had last night. it wasn't warm or humid, but i was sweating and it felt good. seemed like i was sweating beads of my repressed random thoughts, those i always have excuses for not thinking about. and when i reached the door, i half expected a sense of dread. instead, i was serene; at ease.

the thing about love, it needs no words.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:57:53 GMT

beautiful things always make me tear.
everyone should watch both the videos! especially jien and siying! and steph, and cheryl(s), and sam and mik and andy and marissa and...
well i'm almost naming my entire friends list.

<3

but you burn me up you paint my skin

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 04:43:24 GMT

Wish I could lie in the sun

The same things as anyone
Wish I could lie down there
With my feet, high in the air

I'd have a drink in my hand
Read words from a newspaper stand
Wish I could lie in the sun
Wish I could fly like everyone

Same things as anyone
Same things as anyone

But you burn me up you paint my skin
In bad designs that ain't even in

My skin's crawling up the wall
Into the ocean I'd love to fall
I hear the sounds but they ain't the same
As feeling them with you two feet away

There's always more worse off than me
Suppose I'm lucky I can even see
All the people that I'd like to be
Passing me by everyday in the street
Same things as anyone
Same things as anyone

But you burn me up you paint my skin
In bad designs that ain't even in
I got good lungs, got a good heart
My mind is fit, and my feet can walk

And here I am in the shade on the street
Asking people for money to eat
What did I ever do to deserve this?
Did I kill a child or something worse?

Same things as anyone

What's the reason maybe make you feel
How much more fortunate you are than me

Stereophonics; Lying in the Sun

he's kinda awesome.

we'll be rolling in dust.

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 15:42:39 GMT

how do i tell them
about the love that never saw
the break of dawn
because it trembled too long
in the safe of dark

how did one think
that that's the love most
beautiful and pure
when its very problem lay
in its haunting perfection

how do i begin to describe
the love that cried
every other day
because it was forgotten by
two estranged hearts

how could i tell you
about the love that never was and how it might
never be
because my heart's clammed shut
with every hurt in the world locked in

how could they ever,
you ever,
i ever,
we ever,
comprehend?

heartaches.

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 08:35:11 GMT

heaven is a place on earth

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 08:31:47 GMT

we were crazy. we snuck out as the night was awaking, and ran there in our PJs. it was cold, his hands were freezing and we forgot our shoes. the grass was wet where we stepped. we stopped where when we looked ahead all around us, there was nothing but the purple orange sky; where the colors of the skyline and the ground melted into colors of Paddle Pop. and before i could breathe, he took my hand and we spun. it was so damn beautiful. the colors, the sun+moon, the stars i saw from spinning too fast, and mostly, him.

we fell to the ground, and couldn't stop giggling. it was just us, and this beautiful place with the perfect sky. i lay my head beside his, and watched the clouds watching us.

"this is forever," he said to them as he held my hand.

and all of yesterday faded away.

of life.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 04:27:57 GMT

such a classic.

one. i've got myself a macsexy. pics later!
two. hell week (s). two tests + 4 proj deadlines + exams.
three. sourcing trip + SHOPPING + massage + holiday on vesak WOOHOOO.

four. craving: wasabi tei, brinjal, chocolate cheese cake (sin sin sin), blackforest icecream, mocha
five. need: intensive sleep and fruits and water
six. need more: to get high on karaoke
seven. can't wait for M's surprise party; can't wait for 2 years anniversary; can't wait for M's ORD; can't wait for 29th April.
eight. needs to find a job soon
nine. or full time momoteapots and hope that it can fund Germany trip.
ten. omg. GERMANY. only 4 more freaking months SCREAM WITH ME.

island creamery's awesomeeee blackforest ice cream and mud pieeee. mud pie ist nicht so awesome, aber ich mag! all the chocolate sin.

Sheares Production is finally overrrrrrrr. These are from zee fantabulous friends and stagies and neighbours. The chocolate factory paper bag is too cute right!

and...TEST LATER -scurries off.

snipsnip

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:56:53 GMT

I enjoy haircuts. I love the feeling of being served and have someone do nice (or not so nice) things to your hair. Even though most of the times I feel weird and out of myself staring at myself in the mirror when the hairdresser is done. BUT ANYWAYS, I LOVE GETTING SHAMPOOED! Someone give you a good massage on the head, and the pretty smell of shampoo... Yeah, so, I've been pondering about cutting my hair for ages. LIKE AAAAAGESS. and so I did last weekend! I chopped off my wavy (or so I'd like to think) locks into some bob! Thing about haircuts I hate most is when people create such a huge fuss over it. Huge un-nice/unnecessary fuss. They'd go like "OH MY GOD!! YOU CUT YOUR HAIR!" Like, duh. And like they have this speechless look on their face and want to tell you your haircut is nice but they just can't bring themselves to say it so they say,"Ohhh, you cut your hair." Like duh. And in some worse case scenario, their eyes widen and they go,"ni3 shou4 le4 shen3 me4 da3 ji1?!" (i can't translate that in English cos i tried doing it and it doesn't have that impact. maybe something Singlish like, What terrible blow caused you to do that???) OR "but you just took out your extensions and now you cut your hair, waste money!"

So...I got all that and more. Like how I look like I've been thrown back into the 50s or 60s, and that I look weird. I think basically, many Singaporeans don't know how to give a compliment, deal with change, yadayada. Not anyone's fault. I'm just saying! But of course, there are people who've had nice things to say, like of course M, and Val and Yvonne. So what do I think. I THINK I LOOK DAMN GOOD OKAY. #$$^^*%$#@ I liked the haircut, except for the fringe, but I've cut it myself today. I look young and sweet and not so glum anymore, ISN'T THAT GREAT?! yay! I FINALLY CUT MY HAIR! and no, not regretting it, because that's a FAQ.

sidenote: I've learnt that faith bring you to happy places, though it sometimes appears to be a kind of safe denial.

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

Everything in its time; Corrine May

chicken's essence

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 12:42:13 GMT

benjamin.disheartened.defeated.demoralized.discouraged.disappointed.despondent.discomfited.dejected.dispirited.dysphoric. says:

okay jiayou!

*makes essence of chicken for you*

haha

[bb] serene; all we can do is keep breathing. says:

hahaha SEND IT OVER SEND IT OVER NOW

benjamin.disheartened.defeated.demoralized.discouraged.disappointed.despondent.discomfited.dejected.dispirited.dysphoric. says:

haha okay *sends essence of chicken to Serene*. Do you (ACCEPT) or (REJECT) ?

[bb] serene; all we can do is keep breathing. says:

HAHAAH

*clicks accept!

benjamin.disheartened.defeated.demoralized.discouraged.disappointed.despondent.discomfited.dejected.dispirited.dysphoric. says:

okay Essence of chicken sending in progress

20%........40%.........60%.......70%......90%......100%

essence of chicken SENT! Serene has successfully received

wahahha

i promise

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 07:45:43 GMT

Ich vermisse dich, und dich und dich, und vielleicht auch dich.
Aber ich habe in euer Herz einen Platz schon verloren.
Manchmal fühle ich mich sehr sehr einsam. Es gibt immer mit euch besser.

a really lousily written short German paragraph, methinks. but it's what i wanna say without needing to really say it out, if that makes any sense. anyway some things sound better in another language, even though it's probably grammatically rubbish.

so! tonight i'm finally finally going to meet up with Sam, i hope. i hope, because our previous attempts to arrange a meeting have thus far failed miserably.too many times in fact. and i haven't seen her in what, a year and half? i haven't seen Steph for even longer. and well, so..tonight.

i hope my dad lets me bring the slr to Germany, or at least i hope i get a new (maybe semipro) camera for my 21st. I love taking photos. Isn't it great that there's this thing that frames up your memory for you, and sometimes if you're fast enough, you may even be able to capture those beautiful fleeting moments that if you didn't have a camera at that point in time, some day down the road those memories would seem so insignificant, they'd slip into oblivion and you wouldn't even remember that you had them. such as candid shots. it's so awesome, to be able to freeze your favourite persons' laughter in its best moments, and keep them in a safe compartment in your wallet, to now and then take them out to feel this rush of familiar, never-dying affection.

like how i always say bev's always eating,

&nao's praying mantis "pleeaaasseeee",

&my ditsy lovers,

&funniest lovehate photo ever.

&this is how i always remember Su :)

&best friend, best of all best friends.

&i do wonder if that's how people remember me.

MEREDITH: "I have this feeling."
DEREK: "I get that feeling also. If you wait long enough it will pass."
MEREDITH: "Do you promise?"
DEREK: "I promise."
-Grey's Anatomy

he's her lobster!

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:49:59 GMT

omg favouritesttttt! i love Friends! watch this watch this watch this!

i want to change the world...instead i sleep.

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 06:09:28 GMT

time passes so quicky during term breaks. 3 days have passed without me getting any work done. it's been a week/month of reunions (tomorrow i'm finally going to meet Pau) and goodbyes (to those going on exchange) i've had much good food though; mostly japanese cuisine. no photos of those, cos i suck at taking photos of food. i do have a couple of photos i took at Ma Maison the other day I was out with the Outkastx, that i really like.

they had similar lamps at every table. they are love.

they look so good together, this old jap couple.

&for those who have forgotten me, here i am with my irregular eyes.

i'm going to Germany. at least it's 75% confirmed. in august/july, i'll be in a land of BIER und BRATWURST and perhaps bone-numbing cold for 4-6 months, but at least i'll be in a place where reality comes to a standstill. Raphael, this German guy in hall was telling me horror stories about Germans and Germany in Winter, but still, I can't wait to experience the horrors. i can't wait to go to Bulgaria (yes i know Bulgarians are not from Bulgari), Czech Republic, London, Paris, Spain. i can't wait to get out of here.

i wanna quit hall. i hate it. the only good parts are my neighbours, and the convenience of living in school and the alonespaceialwaysneed. but at times recently, i feel like i need to be with my family and my dad, especially before i leave for exchange. but i can't just quit hall. people would say that's darn silly, but that's the way it is. i need alonespace elsewhere now.

but i guess, all i know is that i'm breathing now.
all we can do is keep breathing.

sidenote: i've started learning dressmaking, thanks to M ♥
it was a valentine's day surprise and it was the best ever.

fix me.

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:41:48 GMT

it's cold, there's a sappy playlist playing, and my heart's aching. i'm breathing knives down my windpipe. but tonight, pain doesn't even hurt at all and i don't even feel the tears burning through my skin.

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 05:20:09 GMT

I don't know how to say goodbye to you
I'm not good at things that I don't want to do
Should I pretend that I don't care
that you don't feel what I feel is there

I don't know how to say Goodbye

A kiss might insist that we play
the game of lovers
A touch might give away too much
Would my feeling be discovered

Would you be scared if I just stared
And let you look inside me
Or should I smile and walk away
So my eyes won't betray me

I don't know how to say goodbye ; Sam Phillips

solace.

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 04:27:19 GMT

the world is in a funny sort of quiet.

it's noise-ful as always, but it's lonesome, so it's quiet. but it speaks to me like no one else does, and pats me on my shoulder like there is no other hand. it's a sort of quiet i want to stay within, yet i think i need to break out of. it's a solace, but amidst this solace there's this discomforting darkness that's calling me towards it, and i feel like i need to go even though i very much don't want to.

and so, it's a funny sort of quiet.

you have forsaken me, because life pushed you to. you gotta move with the flow. and in my quiet, i've told myself i've forgiven you for that, and that i've moved on without you. so tell me how, how could i bring myself to walk towards the darkness and face you again and realise that i have not moved an inch while you are long long gone? how could i ever be different if different isn't me? how could i be the same if being the same would kill me because it would entail losing you? how could you have left and said you'd be back?

i'm in a funny sort of quiet.

faith

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 05:33:59 GMT

here i am, at the hospital again. i've been here every so often the past few months, and i still find hospitals terribly depressing. when i was visitng my granny the other time, the beds surrounding her were occupied by cases of paralysed patients, amputees, patients who've just had head ops. the lady beside my granny was i think, fully paralysed, and it was really heartwrenching? you could see her tears welling up every now and then, and when you looked at her, her eyes would turn to you and she looked as if she was trying to say something.
there was actually a heartwarming bit to that scene. her husband stayed by her mostly, taking such care to clean her, talk to her. i don't know. it was just incredibly touching even if i didn't know the full story.

maybe i need to learn to pray. with heart. the thought of losing either my granny or my dad is so surreal, and i hate hate hate to think about it. is it because i don't pray? is it because i question?

is there a place for faith, where it will be accounted for?

i carry your heart with me

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 20:37:29 GMT

to be.

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 19:58:15 GMT

oh i have such small-big dreams. i really want to take up sewing lessons and be able to conjure up something awesome. i really want a job like...a fashion designer or a photographer or an actor. i want to film, i want to write, i want to speak German like Germans, i want to learn 2 other languages and have them at the back of my hand, i want to run a cafe, i want to work for a magazine.

i want to be. &so many wants, so many hesitations. really, i'm not that optimistic. i don't trust myself to be someone big. i don't have to be big, i just want to be, and i'm not. and i always tell myself i can't.

i should just shut up and do it. first, sewing lessons.

stuck in a moment

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 08:38:34 GMT

it...feels like years.

i've been on the move. i haven't stopped to breathe nor traced my fingers over those little things that used to matter. i don't know who are still around, and i'm kinda scared, that when i visit my Friends page again, their writings i've missed will be gone. that's how it is, people online. writers online. everything is so transient. it's always so easy to cut off all contacts when you feel the need to, and that is so often.

there are also those you revisit somehow relieved that they are still around, but it isn't long until you realise, unlike you, they have picked up the pieces and moved on. there is no way of connecting the dots they've left for you, because the picture will never be complete. it won't be, because you left.

and now i'm stopping, to breathe and take it all in. i want to think i can still write like i used to, and read like i loved to. i don't know why i stopped. life wasn't all that busy now that i look back. it's just...i think i had to disappear. and there were times i thought i could resurface, talk about things, go on about the stuff that has changed and not changed, but i didn't. because i rejected the changes and the non-changes. i couldn't accept them. i was in my little bubble.

now i'm here, i want to tell you, i've missed you, but you, are way ahead of our memories, and i don't mean the way i did to you anymore. oh, this year and ahalf, i've truly missed you all.